If I ruled the world

 Okay, we’re not messing here. I’m in charge. Right! The first law is ‘no whistling’. On with the Cabinet- John Lydon (Sex Pistols) for PM. Straight-talking, tells it like it is, and no matter how clever we think we all might be, reminds us that we can at some crucial moments be ‘Pretty Vacant’- (fill in your own examples here, but for a kick off- Millenium Dome). On the Environment, we’ve got ‘The Wombles’. For Health there’s Keith Richards, continuing his excellent work on re-defining the term ‘well-being’, and on Transport, Guy Martin with his spanners. Minister for Foreign Affairs, Human Rights and everything else that is about being an incredible human being, it must be Malala Yousafzai. I will look to the young as my chief advisers to ensure that our policies are free from politics, prejudice, inequality, lack of imagination, oppression of the poor, and anything that impinges on basic human rights. You may be wondering why this is different from the rhetoric of previous governments. I’ll tell you why- this isn’t rhetoric, and furthermore we’ll waft this through the no longer existent Parliament faster than Bono can knock out a charity single, and oh yes, we will make this look good!

Now where were we? Ah yes- The capital city. Don’t need one. Plymouth and Exeter are as great as London as Manchester as Birmingham. It is the people who make a place, and we shall make the people proud. Proud people make happy places, and happy places thrive. I like that. I’ll get Ed Sheeran to knock up a tune, and we’ll recover the national debt by Christmas. Think on Mr Cowell!

On the issue of migration, I have a long-term plan. This will run like an exchange scheme where it is possible for people living in a safe, ‘I’m all right jack, keep your hands off my stack’ environment, to swap with those living in places where there is a constant threat of danger. We do this in the hope that those people who currently don’t, might see the other side of the argument and realise just how lucky they are. And you are all very lucky, because you’ve got me, Johnny Rotten, Keef, the Wombles, Guy and Malala for your government!

Of course, you won’t have any of this if we don’t get elected, so the voting system needs to be changed. The voting age would be lowered to 14, no, let’s say 12. The reason for this (and you can see that we are spontaneously flexible) is that some grown-ups make too much noise (particularly the ones in the stripy suits!), and often drown out the sound of youth, which is not wasted on the young, as those who are no longer spring chickens would have us believe. Much of young noise is good and important, and joyously free. Give them a vote, let them elect some flamboyant pop star to raise the plight of those in need. It worked with Geldof and Jimmy Osmond, it can work again. Remember Live Aid. I can’t. I mean, I was there. I just can’t remember it! I think I was with Keith Richards! We will also hold Glasto’ every three months should you still be ‘a floater’, and we’ll throw in a couple of Wombles to pick up the litter.

The stance on equality. There will be no policy, laws, large documents, so-called experts, spouting academics, campaigns, leaflets, special days or anything else that pays homage, but does little to eradicate the problem. Equality is a human right. It is as vital as the air we breath. Without it we are undone, and rather than fighting the problems of the world, we will continue to fight ourselves until we are finished. We’re lucky of course to have Malala Yousafzai, and those who have gone before- Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi to name but three. We will not let them down and we will thrive in the only way possible; together.

Okay. What would we ban? Well, it goes without saying: – whistling, and smacking children (please see our equality policy). What would we make legal?- The right to choose to die.

I don’t rule the world of course, but if by a quirk of fate this does happen I will declare a national holiday until I can locate the Wombles. You can also rest assured that there will be no coffee cups that look like glass vases, saucers where the dip isn’t in the middle, and yes you’ve got it- whistling!!!!!